


give you my sunshine, give you my best

by lifewasradical



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Ashton has a Bad Day, Ashton just kinda rants about how much he Hates Everything, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Fluff and Angst, Luke tries to help him, M/M, Prompt Fic, Song Fic: Peace by Taylor Swift, What even is this okay, hahaha I love that tag, weirdly enough this is NOT projection at all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 08:14:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28703487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lifewasradical/pseuds/lifewasradical
Summary: Luke knew it was a bad day from the moment that he and Ashton woke up. Correction, Luke was having a perfectly fine day, almost bordering on a good day, but from the second that he laid eyes on Ashton in the bathroom as he brushed his teeth, he had the inkling that this was not going to be a good day for Ashton.Or, Ashton has a bad day and Luke tries to work it out with him.
Relationships: Luke Hemmings/Ashton Irwin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 30





	give you my sunshine, give you my best

**Author's Note:**

> Lashton fics two days in a row?? who is she?? I don't know! this won't happen again, I promise. just trying to work through the prompts in my ask box. speaking of, this is a prompt from the lovely [Shal](https://wheniminouterspace.tumblr.com), who sent in "it's not heavy, I'm stronger than I look" which theoretically should have been a happy fic? but like? sorry I wrote out all my happy the past few days in other prompts, so this is weirdly existential. 
> 
> if you want the full effect, loop peace by Taylor Swift while you listen. fic title ALSO from peace.

Luke knew it was a bad day from the moment that he and Ashton woke up. Correction, Luke was having a perfectly fine day, almost bordering on a good day, but from the second that he laid eyes on Ashton in the bathroom as he brushed his teeth, he had the inkling that this was not going to be a good day for Ashton. 

And as it often is, Luke’s intuition was right. They arrived at the radio station they were set to do an interview at late due to the damn traffic, Ashton grumbling the whole way there that he can’t stand the way that no one knows how to fucking drive in LA. Luke tried to calm him down, reassuring that they were going to be fine because they always got called to interviews early in case things like this happened, but Ashton just rolled his eyes and looked out the window. 

Luke didn’t take it to heart, knowing that he took his bad days out on Ashton too sometimes, it was just part of being in a relationship. He tried his hardest not to, and knew that Ashton would apologize for it later, so he wouldn't let it get him down. Instead he would try to do anything in his power to help get Ashton out of the funk, if that was possible. 

But shortly after the interview ended, they left the building to a crowd of fans screaming for them. Michael and Calum beelined over to the fans, Luke hanging back a little to see what Ashton wanted to do. He wanted to be right by his side, just in case for whatever reason there was a blow up. By this point, after years and years of being in the band together, Luke knew how to do damage control better than anyone else. He’s still a bit bitter about that, about the fact that he had to pick up so many skills about glossing over his own personal mistakes, but in times like this, he’s grateful for the training. 

He saw it coming before it does, but his reaction was too slow to keep it from happening. One of the fans grabbed onto Ashton’s arm when he turned away, resulting in a slightly too aggressive yank from Ashton and one of the worst glares Luke’s ever seen. He would’ve hated to be on the other side of that gaze, but would have hated it even more as a fan of the artist. 

Luke swooped in at that point, stating loudly that they had places to be (they didn’t) and thanking the fans for waiting for them. He guided Ashton by the small of his back to the car, just for a few moments, until Ashton pushed Luke off too. It stung, even if Luke didn’t want to internalize it. 

They didn’t speak at all in the car, not a single word uttered between them. The silence was heavy, thick with unspoken words on the tips of both of their tongues. Luke, forever the least confrontational person in the world, didn’t want to be the first one to break the quiet, while Ashton was simmering, near boiling over in his heat, gripping at the seat rest like it was his only lifeline. 

But that was this morning, and this is now. Now, Ashton stalks up to the bedroom the moment they get in the house. Now, he slams the bedroom door so hard that the frame in the front hallway shakes on its nail. Now, Luke hears the guttural yell from downstairs, the way it seems so agonized and broken. Now, Luke is at a loss. 

In his years of knowing Ashton, he’s never once seen him react so violently to a bad day. They all have them, they all have learned how to better cope with the situations and not react so intensely in front of a crowd of people. Luke almost wants to chastise Ashton for his reaction, but he knows that it would do more harm than good to belittle him when he’s already in such a negative place. 

But Luke knows all too well that whatever is going on in Ashton’s brain is far bigger than being late to an interview and a fan tugging on his arm. He knows that he needs to broach the topic lightly, ease his way in to make sure he doesn’t spook Ashton away from sharing. Ashton is always Luke’s rock, the one that keeps him from floating off into space or exploding into a firework in the night. Luke’s experience with talking Ashton down is limited, surface level compared to the amount of time and effort that Ashton puts into making sure that Luke is okay. 

For a minute, Luke ponders that thought and lets himself reflect on what that says about him as a partner, that he doesn’t quite know what to do to help Ashton in his time of need. It's unsettling, the idea that he doesn’t know the best course of action to save his love from burning out right in front of his eyes. 

So he collects Ashton’s water bottle, filling it to the brim with water from the fridge, along with a bag of some kind of veggie chips that he knows Ashton is obsessed with and starts his trip upstairs, beckoning for Petunia to follow him. She happily trots along, smiling stupidly as they walk, unaware where they’re going. Luke longs for her blissful ignorance and sunny disposition. 

Luke stops at the door, listening for any sign of Ashton on the other side. The silence is heavy, concerning, but Luke knocks anyways, knowing that Ashton couldn’t have gone anywhere else. When there’s no answer to his knock, Luke opens the door, cautiously peeking his head around it in search of Ashton. The shoes he wore to the interview are strewn across the floor, along with the button up and his belt, everything left in chaotic places like it was thrown the second he was in the room (which, Luke knows is exactly what happened). 

At first, Luke can’t seem to figure out where Ashton is. The bathroom door is wide open and the light is off, so he can’t be there. The bed is still perfectly made, blue duvet tucked into the corners. As he scans the room, he can’t figure it out, until he steps into the room fully. Ashton’s sitting against the wall directly behind the door, holding his knees to his chest with his head placed on top, breathing heavily. He’s in a hoodie and sweatpants now, looking far more comfortable than his first outfit, but still sitting rigid, uncomfortable in his own room.

Luke fully enters the room, sitting on the floor a safe distance from Ashton, leaning up against the bed carefully. He places the contents of his arms on the floor next to him, rolling Ashton’s water bottle across the carpet. It ricochets off of Ashton’s foot and Luke holds his breath, ready for the next blow up. When it doesn’t come, he exhales slowly through his nose, the only sound in the room. 

“I brought you a snack,” Luke says quietly, bridging the silence. He leans forward and pushes the bag across the floor too, plastic crinkling loudly in the quiet. Luke hears Ashton huff out a breath that sounds suspiciously like a laugh before picking his head up, face void of any emotions. 

Ashton smiles, just the smallest quirk of his lips, and nods once. He stares at Luke with a curious intensity, analyzing his face as if he’s looking for something that he just can’t seem to find. Petunia takes that moment to walk over to Ashton, plopping down at his side and nudging his elbow in an attempt to be pet. Ashton strokes over her ears softly, scratching right on the top of her head just where she likes it. 

When it's silent for another beat too long, Luke clears his throat, picking at the skin around his nails lightly, “So uh, what happened back there?” 

Ashton shakes his head, running his unoccupied hand through his hair. It’s unruly, obviously disheveled from Ashton pulling at it excessively. Luke wants to reach out and fix it, but he maintains his distance, respecting the boundaries. 

“Nothing, I’m fine,” Ashton says, not meeting Luke’s eyes. 

Luke scoffs, “You’re not fine, you’ve never blown up like that before.” 

“It’s fine, it’s nothing. Don’t worry about me, I’m sorry.” 

Luke rolls his eyes, “Don’t start apologizing now. Ash, you need to tell me what’s wrong, please.” 

“It’s fine, I’m not going to weigh you down with my burdens, they’re too heavy.” 

Luke scrunches his eyebrows together, tilting his head to the side. That’s a new one. Luke was anticipating Ashton asking him to drop it, a line that they had set in place for times when Luke actually wanted to be alone. 

“It’s not heavy, I’m stronger than I look,” Luke affirms, lightly joking but desperate to get to the bottom of what’s been going on in Ashton’s head. The idea that he’s been harboring these thoughts and feelings on his own brings a jolt to Luke’s heart. He shares all his feelings so openly, never afraid to tell Ashton what’s on his mind and he liked to think that it was the same. He’s seeing now that they aren’t fully on the same page, that Ashton seems to feel like he needs to protect Luke from his thoughts. 

Ashton sighs, looking up at the ceiling for a moment before locking eyes with Luke again. It sends a shiver down Luke’s spine, the way that his gaze is calculating, guarded. Neither of those things should be put in the same sentence as Ashton, not the Ashton that Luke knows. The one that tells fans to love deeply and openly, to wear their hearts on their sleeves and give love freely for it will return in abundance. That Ashton isn’t the same as this one, sitting in front of Luke and over thinking every single thing that comes to mind. 

Luke hates this Ashton, heartbroken that he has to exist in the same room as the Luke that just wants to help him, however he can. 

“It’s just so loud, you know? We have no peace, there’s never a time when we get to just be, just exist. There’s always something, we’re always going and going and going and I’m sick of it! I’m fucking sick of it, I don’t know if I’m going to be able to keep going after this because it’s too fucking much, all the time.” 

Luke is taken back by the admission, but stays silent, hoping that Ashton will continue sharing his thoughts. 

“I just want to exist. I don’t want to have to leave the house everyday and make sure that I have my best foot forward. I want to be able to have a bad day and just have a fucking bad day, dammit. I don’t want to have to regulate my emotions like a fucking machine, you know? This world that we’re in is so cool, like the shit we get to do is so awesome but at what cost? What am I giving up by being here? My fucking sanity?” 

Luke sucks in a breath, blinking wildly at Ashton. 

“And that’s not me regretting it, because I love where we are, but I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired, Luke. There’s just never any damn peace, ever. And when I think I find it, it’s suddenly ripped away from me. Like fuck, nothing ever is stable. How am I supposed to just expect that this will last forever? The fame? The money? You? What happens when it all goes away and I’m left in the ashes?”

“Ashton,” Luke starts, but he’s cut off immediately. 

“Don’t, I don’t need the pity, okay?” he snaps. 

“I wasn’t going to give you pity. I was going to say you’re valid. All of that’s extremely fair and I’m sorry- not like a pitying sorry- I’m just sorry that you’ve been holding onto those feelings. It seems like a lot to carry by yourself.” 

Ashton nods once, gnawing on his lip in his concentration. Luke takes it as a sign to continue. 

“And I know nothing I say can make it better. Because we’re never going to have peace in the life we live. You’re never going to feel safe and secure with any of this, because I don’t either. But, if there’s one thing you should feel content with, it would be us. Because I’m not going anywhere, through hell or high water, I will not leave your side unless you force me to go. And even then, I’m gonna be kicking and screaming because I can’t do this without you.” 

There’s a pause where neither of them say anything, just staring at each other across the floor. They don’t move, both seemingly waiting for the other to say something. Luke watches the way that Ashton’s eyes flick across his face, taking in every detail and notices that right in this moment, sitting on their shared bedroom floor in the house that they bought together, Luke does in fact feel at peace. Holed up in the house where no one can touch them, they’re invincible here. They don’t have to want for anything or put on an act when it’s just the two of them and Petunia. They’re simply allowed to coexist perfectly, lean on one another and take care of their needs, even when they don’t know the best way to do that. They’re safe. 

Luke thinks that maybe Ashton is feeling the same pull based on the small smile on his face. He believes that Ashton can feel the same reassurance that they’re in this together, even through the hard times. Through the times when they can’t manage to speak their feelings, when things get to be too much, when they’re so far under water that they can’t see the way back to the surface. They’re never alone, not when the other is there, ready to lead the way back to sane thoughts. 

“I love you. I’m right here with you,” is all that Luke can manage, all other words feeling insignificant compared to the complex feeling in his chest. Ashton reaches across the carpet, holding his hand out for Luke to take. He threads their fingers together, squeezing Ashton’s hand tightly. He knows they have more to talk about, more to work through in the future to make sure that they’re healthy, as individuals and as a duo, but Luke thinks this will do for now. 

They don’t need much, but with each other, he hopes that one day they will remember what it’s like to feel true peace. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Talk to me on Tumblr [lifewasradical](https://lifewasradical.tumblr.com) 💜


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